Children are characterized by energy and have no boundaries. Our role as parents is to set boundaries. Boundaries provide protection from dangers on one hand and security and freedom within the boundaries on the other. Boundaries must be clear and strong like an immovable wall, yet padded. When the child encounters the padding, they feel softness, yet the wall does not move. The child’s role, according to their nature, is to explore and test, and our role as parents is to set age-appropriate boundaries for them.
The Emotional Impact of the Parent on the Child
Our children are greatly influenced by our feelings. Anxious parents will often have children with anxiety issues. Even during treatment, when an anxious parent arrives, the child will develop anxieties and will not allow normal treatment progress. Anxious parents will seek the need for control because lack of clear boundaries leads to uncertainty, which increases anxiety. With an anxious parent, the child’s space for independence will be small, and this will lead strong-willed children to want to expand that space and break through it, while weaker children will feel restricted and suppressed.
Parents who change boundaries according to various whims undermine the child’s confidence in their ability to protect them. A boundary should not be threatening or frightening—such rigid boundaries based on fear and deterrence create in the child a sense of fear without understanding and judgment. The more threatening and rigid the boundaries, the greater the child’s tendency to break through them. A padded wall represents the boundaries. The parent is like the wall, and the soft padding represents the way the parent presents the boundary to the child. Parents who present children with a menu of meals for that day—this is not “spoiling,” it confuses the child. On the other hand, giving options for a meal is boundaries with padding because you gave the child space within the boundaries.
The Importance of Maintaining Boundaries
By displaying anger toward a child trying to push a boundary, we turn from supporters into adversaries. Instead of helping the child understand and develop, we create rivalry with them—and a child is a bitter rival. Use tools—parental guidance, emotional therapists. Sit down and talk with the child, create a healthy and containing communication channel. But do not give up on the boundaries—they are as important to the child as they are to you.
Effective Treatment Tools
Treatment with Chinese medicine using tools such as acupuncture, Tui Na, or dietary adjustments with a naturopath, as well as behavioral analysis, can ease and regulate the impulse to break boundaries and reduce the child’s need to “rebel.” A deep understanding of the child’s needs can greatly ease resistance to boundaries.
